Thoughts of the past

I sat down a while ago to check my work e-mail, and I noticed the date.
August 5, 2005.
I turn 30 in exactly a month. I am not grasping it very well. I still feel like I am 16 inside. I don't think I ever grew up all of the way. I suppose some of the signs are there. Clerks used to say, "Have a good day", but now most of them add "sir" to it. My mom is wondering when I'll meet a nice gal to settle down with. If she knew what I was really looking for, she would go into guilt trip mode saying things like "I didn't raise you to be like that."

At the heart of things, I feel isolated from people just like I did back in high school. I've never quite fit in where I am. I have a few friends, but I don't feel like I can count on them. I know why I feel that way, but I still can't get over it.

After I graduated from high school and screwed up in college, I couldn't get my feet under me. Real life and I didn't get along well. So I continued to do my best to self destruct. Eventually, people got tired of it. I was kicked out of my parents home to stay with friends, who kicked me out as well. I jumped at any chance to survive at this point. I ended up in Tulsa with less than fifty bucks to my name, a backpack with all of my possessions in it, and nowhere to go. My 22nd birthday was right in the middle of my two weeks of being homeless.

I couldn't get a job even at a fast food restaraunt because I had no address. As my cash dwindled, I started thinking of how easy it would be to give up. The horrors I was seeing on the street made me want to dive from an overpass, but something kept me from doing it. Finally, I was down to my last five bucks and decided that I was going to write a few goodbye emails, have a full meal, and let go. I had hit rock bottom and was utterly alone. Suicide was not meant to be, however. When I checked my email, I found one from the people who ran the local BBS. I had met someone who had offered to help me out on that BBS and that's why I was in Tulsa. They found out that this guy abandoned me to my fate for fun from his girlfriend, now ex-girlfriend.

After taking me to their house so I could take my first shower in a week, they introduced me to a friend of theirs. She was new to Tulsa, and was nervous about living alone. She also was a manager of a call center and got me a job there. I was living at the mercy of others, and even though I found myself in the company of good people, I knew from experience how quickly people could change. I had changed. In some ways it was good, as I did need a good kick in the ass to get me going in the right direction.

This is not a tale I tell my family and friends. I don't want them to feel guilty for my experience or the problems that came from it. I have managed to trust people again, but I expect to be disappointed by them. I look at the worst case scenario and the negative aspects of life most of the time in order to be prepared. I also indulge my hedonistic side more than I should because I know what it's like to have no pleasures at all. Above all, I hate to be ignored. I have been nothing to the world at large, and never want it to happen again. I'd rather be rejected and spurned in the most public, hurtful manner than to just be ignored.

Maybe this blog is another way to connect with people. To be seen and to have my existance proven. I don't know right now. All I know is that I'm feeling very introspective right now, so I'll be heading over to Lake Michigan to watch the waves come in while my mind races through those dark streets in my mind.

To everyone who takes the time to read this; Thank you.
To anyone I may have touched or helped in any way; I am honored.
To those who comment or e-mail me; I wish you could see my smile.

/end bigsappypost
Now returning to the usual Erik.