Friday, September 23, 2005

Talking to myself

Maybe part of why I blog for the world to see is to be noticed by people. Although I am the oldest child of three, I didn't get much attention growing up. My mom's favorite was my little brother (the baby of the family), and my sister was my dad's favorite. I was left with high expectations of my future, but no support system. One day I went to a little park/woods down the street to relax a bit, and came home to my family eating dinner. My family always ate dinner together (a very good idea for future parents out there). Turns out that they hadn't even noticed I wasn't home, and thought that I was just "being difficult".

So lately I've been a bit disheartened by the lack of comments. I can't be mad for people not having an interest in what I say or busy schedules that keep them away, tho. It does make it hard for me to put myself out here. I've always been the one who's alone in a crowd, and I try not get into situations that will bring me down because of it. I'm sure this is part of the reason I like to be at home when relaxing. Nobody can reject or ignore you in your own home.

So, now that I've probably alienated my audience I'll go on to other things I'm feeling. I'm sick, and not just in the usual naughty thoughts kind of way. My head is throbbing and plugged up and my whole body aches. I also have a client to visit today and I'm hoping that coffee, sudafed, and a hot, steamy shower will get me feeling close to normal for the visit.

One of my cousins died yesterday, and I'm not sure how I feel about it. I didn't know her real well since my mom's side of the family is huge. Mom has 10 brothers and sisters (the Irish side of my family), and she is one of the younger siblings. The cousin was the daughter of the second oldest and was a few years younger than my mom. I feel awful for my aunt, but I'm not sure I feel bad about the cousin. She had cancer and it spread amazingly fast. I hear that it was painful near the end and that's why I don't feel bad for her.

I have a hard time understanding why people can't accept death. I don't mean that people shouldn't grieve or feel bad about losing someone. I mean the people that think that the way things are today is how things should always be. I know I want my grandparents to be there forever, but I know that's not the way life works. I try to see my grandparents as much as possible so I have those memories and stories and lessons when they do go, tho. Life ends at some point so rather than fear death, I choose to see it as just another step in the cycle of life.

Getting back on track for the other reason to the title of this post...

I need to get it through my head that I am a good person. Most of the time when I think about my image of myself, it's based on other people's opinions. As I've mentioned before, I'm not a great judge of people and that could be why I go by other people's views. You also lose objectivity when you're involved in what you're looking at, and I try to get others points of view to avoid that.

I have to stop using the word "but" when I look at myself. For examples: I am a damn good guy but I don't have good social skills. I am quite a catch but I don't look good enough to attract the attention of most women. I suppose I think too much sometimes.

So, time to start talking with myself a bit and start fixing my damaged self image. This is going to take a lot since I have years of memories, thoughts, and feelings to overcome. Since I sometimes fit my mood to what is happening in my life, I hope that more things start happening to help me out with my self improvement project.

More tomorrow...

2 Comments:

At 7:53 AM, Blogger Erik said...

I guess what I mean by a good person is someone who's worthy of love, respect, etc. I've generally done what I've wanted to throughout my life no matter what other people think. I was even voted "Class Rebel" back in high school, although admittedly those suburbanites knew less of how things really are than most people.

On a side note, it's nice to see ya Dave... hope you drop by again soon.

 
At 7:13 PM, Blogger Blonde said...

I am the black sheep out of 4 children. I am the only one with a career. I am the only one with a bachelors degree. I am the only member of my family (both sides) with a masters degree. I am the only relatively successful person in my entire family(both sides), but my parents think I am a piece of shit. I believe in myself and respect myself and that drives me more then anything.

If I based my self worth and well being on what others thought...I would be a piece of shit. I would be nothing. I would be miserable.

Start loving yourself and believing in yourself. Don't let the opinion or lack of emotion from unhealthy people effect you.

 

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