I ask myself, is all hope lost?

Pretty much, yeah. But more on that later.

I got the pleasure of hanging out with Kris (aka Stitch's Playground to the right) tonight. Was nice meeting and talking with her in person, even though I didn't talk much... or listen much for that matter since there was too much noise. Wish I could've stayed longer.

On the way home I thought of some things that have been bouncing through my head regularly lately. With the events of the night fresh in my mind, I put a lot of those broken thoughts together. Not to say the company of the evening had anything to do with my thoughts, tho. The things happening around me and my own actions was more than enough to glue this all together.

I'm just not meant to get what I want. Let me try to explain a little...

I don't fit in with people to begin with. Put me in a room with more than 5 people, and I'm totally alone in a crowd. Worse yet because of my natural reaction to crowds, I isolate myself even more. Who wants to reach out to the pallid guy who can't say the right thing? Can't say that I blame them...

The work situation has gotten worse. It's become mindless and insulting. I get paid half as much as I should be for the position that I do 5 times better than the people who get paid 50% more than I. I keep looking for another job, but I'd be underpaid as bad as the current job, or I don't get the call back.

I thought of going back to college and finishing a degree. Turns out I can't get help paying for it until I get about half of my student loans paid off. Which consumes more time. Or I could just pay for college now, only I don't get paid well enough. So I have to save up more. Consuming more time. Plus I'd to pretty much have to start a new degree program. Even more time.

I don't want to even bother anymore. Every time I've tried to improve my life for the last few years, I get beaten down and put into worse shape that I was originally. Right now I'm caught in a blend of emotions that leaves me unable to sleep. I feel those screams of frustration and rage bubbling right below the surface covering up the battery acid-like bile of disgust that's burned a hole right through my soul, leaving only a hollow, empty feeling behind. All I've gotten from self improvement is destruction. So fuck it.

Here's to mediocrity and apathy. I'll do the bare minimum I need to in order to get through the day. I'll wake up, shower, work, eat, maybe go to the gym, and go home where I'll kill my brain with TV, alcohol, and video games. I'll be content with a grey, lonely, and meaningless existance. I'll still be breathing, but I'll be dead inside.

Sounds more comfortable than what I've been feeling. You win, life, I'll stop trying. I shall curl up in a ball in the corner and not get up. Will you stop fucking kicking me now?

PS- I've had a couple people ask what's wrong and such, and if I wanted to talk about it. The bad thing is that when it gets asked, they aren't near, and this is the kind of thing that I just can't bring myself to talking about on the phone. I never claimed to be totally rational...

Bonus points to Kat for getting last time's quote. There'll be a drink on me in it for you. Anyone know this one?