Emotional Lability

Emotional lability. I had to look up what they meant back when I started taking Adderall. It basically means that you are more prone to emotional swings and moods. I've been finding out that this seemingly inoccuous side effect has more effect on my life than any other side effect.

As you might have noticed (that is, if anyone actually reads this anymore... let me know if I should even bother blogging anymore with comments and email) that I've been quite depressed lately. I've been down before, am still feeling quite blue right now, and will take an emotional dip in the future. Life goes on, tho. I keep climbing out of bad moods and try for good ones. Through my life, I've found ways of managing my brain's impulses for outbursts whether it's intellectual, emotional, or attention based.

Now, that I've gotten attention more under control than ever, the emotional side is changing. I still have the same ups and down, but they come faster and catch me off guard. I usually could tell when my mood was changing and could plan accordingly. Now that happens sometimes, but other times it will jump sharply. I'm not becoming manic depressive or anything but instead if I am kinda sad, I can become very sad, very quickly.

I caught myself tearing up to some tv show or movie recently. I never have done that before. Hearing music that reminds me how alone I feel drove me to post my last post. What you read was exactly what I was feeling, but a completely raw form of it. I know that depression isn't exactly a mood that you show to make friends, so I try to avoid exposing the worst of it. My ability to censor myself is barely adequate at best but with this new twist, I'm not doing well.

Anyway, I'm in Skokie just outside of Chicago. I've got a very nice hotel room suite. I am overlooking a high-end mall with a Nordstrom, Bloomingdales, Tiffany's, and many other big names in neon. I'm very glad that I should have a week at home next week unless things change. I'm doing my best to ignore or deal with the crap in my head, but loneliness is hard to fight when there are no friendly faces around and nobody is calling.

Tomorrow if I don't get overwhelmed by work, I hope to tell you what I've been doing lately instead of what I've been thinking. I need to veg out a bit so my back relaxes enough to let me sleep first. Nighty-night.