I felt like destroying something beautiful

I royally fucked up. Again.

I haven't been quite sharing everything going on. Some was because I wanted to hold on to in case something became of it. Others were because of embarassment. This is one of those stories.

I went off the handle. I got drunk and let my emotions come out to play which I try to never let happen. I vented to people who had never seen the angry side of me (damn Irish temper) which doesn't come out often because I know how bad it is. When the angry side came out, it cracked the levee and everything else came spilling out, too. All of the jealousy, all of the depression, all of the desperation in me.

To top it off, I left to go home and continue to vent through IM's and such. Then the rage flared out, taking everything but the hurt and sadness with it. Between IM's I hunted through my house for my pistols and ammunition. I tossed my phone aside giving up on people who didn't want to bother to respond (and who can blame them?) My momentum was sending me over the cliff, and then I stopped. I spent the next hour or two alternately crying and toggling the safety on my pistol. I finally crawled into bed and went to sleep.

The next morning it hit me. I am a complete dumbass. I scared the shit out of the few people who seem to care about me. I was so ashamed. I really can't apologize enough for how I acted. My self destructive side was out of the bottle, and I'm still desperately trying to put it back. I am still hurting and venting, and I'll probably lose a friend or two even if I'm lucky. I'm probably doing a damn good job of alienating and scaring you guys, too.

After the explosion an happens, there is a rush of air in the opposite direction as it gets pulled back into place. I'm feeling that emotional void, and I desperately want to fill it with something. I'd like nothing better to curl up in a ball and just have someone who cares there to hold me and tell me it's all better going to be better. I think the blast guaranteed that there's nobody left to do it, tho.

It would save me the pain and embarassment to just finish what I keep starting and dive into that blackness in my soul. I can't, tho. I made a promise, and even as sad, lonely, hurting, and miserable as I felt at that moment, I still had to keep the promise. No matter how drunk I got, how angry I was, and how much more I fucked up my life, I still had to keep my promise. I might've promised myself a bit too much.

Me and my damn sense of honor.

Points for knowing the quote.