On the train of consequences there ain't no coming back

I think that I mentioned something in passing quite some time ago here that I never got back to. I go off on my little tangents sometimes and forget where I was going in the first place. Since it's been on my mind lately, I'm going to finally get back to it.

Like I've said before, real life and I didn't really get along well. I didn't like it, and it didn't like me. After getting kicked out of college, bouncing around for a while, and falling flat on my face, I hit th bottom and started making some progress again. In 3 years, I went from homeless to living in my own apartment and working full time while going to night classes full time. I was going to school for computer programming. I like computers and am good with them, so I figured I'd do well as a programmer.

Since I didn't have a car, I had to live close to work and school. To manage this, I found a job over on the east side of Milwaukee and an apartment within walking distance of both. I ended up working in a pharmacy thanks to some connections I had since I had never worked in the field of pharmacy before. It was the right place at the right time. I ended up with one of the best bosses I have ever had. The guy was very tolerant of employees as long as you were competent and did your job. I work best in an environment like that.

What really made the job great, is that I got to geek out completely. I asked questions about how all the drugs worked, and sometimes they would tell me about it and other times they pointed me at the references and told me to figure it out. The computer system wasn't known well to most, so I ended up learning it from scratch, troubleshooting it, and then started teaching the people there how to do things they didn't know was possible. I got to know some very interesting people who were very smart. I learned things every day. I had found my place.

I like helping people. I love to use my mind and memory all the time. I like chemistry, anatomy, and science in general. I was born to be a pharmacist. I switched colleges and majors to a pre-PharmD by the end of that year. Over the next few years I established a 3.4 GPA in my new program and was getting ready to start applying to pharmacy schools. I had missed something, tho.

Starting in 2000, the federal government made it a requirement that all new pharmacists had to have a doctoral degree, otherwise known as a PharmD. The only people qualified to teach PharmD's were other PharmD's. This wasn't supposed to be a problem because back in the early 90's a government study said that America would need less pharmacists in the future, but better trained ones. Then they started building a Walgreens on every corner and drug companies were allowed to advertise. Pharmacy sales go through the roof. The population is aging as well, and older people need drugs. See the problem yet?

Now, less pharmacists going into a field that desperately needs more people. Salaries go up sharply in just a few years. A brand new pharmacist in 1990 could pull 70-75k a year starting on average. In 2000, it's frequently in the six-figure range. This lures more PharmD's out of the pharmacy schools and into the business world. With the salaries going up, more students are trying to get into pharmacy school. Back to my story.

I talk to some pharmacy schools trying to decide which one would be better for me. The registrars all want to know what my GPA is. My total cumulative GPA for everything since I left high school. Since I'm a white male, that's the only thing that will get me into pharmacy school. Well, I fucked up my first chance at college with a cumulative GPA of 0.6 after a year. I realize quickly that no school will touch me with that.

That brings me to today. I'd still like to finish college, but I've spent years working on getting into pharmacy school and can't go. It would take even more years to change majors and go for a new degree. Worse yet, I don't even know what I'd want to do or where to start. I've spent a couple years working on a career that got all fucked up a few months back. I'm back at square one at 30 years of age, and I'm not sure where to start again. I don't even have the motivation either, because every time I work my ass off, I end up with nothing to show for it.

This is the source of my professional frustration. For those of you who've read everything here, you know my sources of social and personal frustration. In the animal world, if something causes you pain, you attack it or run from it. In times that animals can't fix their problems, they lay down and wait to die. I understand that response. Right now I'd just like to throw in the towel. My best efforts have all turned to shit, and I'm tired. Not just physically tired, either. My soul is tired. Anyone know a way to rest a weary soul?

Let me know. Or let me know what you think. Bonus points for knowing the song the title comes from.