Friday, August 19, 2005

Shopping Trip From Hell

The next time I go to the mall, I'm going in locked, cocked, and ready to rock. Yesterday, I was a bit on the grumpy side, but I wanted to get a few things before I headed off on Sunday. I really should have known better. I'm still a bit irked at the moment, but I thought I'd turn it to creativity. I do have to do more shopping today, but just for travel items from Target, so it shouldn't be too bad.

So, I head out to the mall in the middle of the day thinking I might be able avoid the crowds. When I get near, I remember that they are in the middle of a renovation, and half of the parking lot is torn up. I see a sign that says, "Pardon our dust" and it's not the dust I give a crap about, it's the near impossibility of finding a parking spot. There isn't an empty spot in sight, so I have to circle the parking lot like a hungry shark. "Pardon our dust," my ass. Pardon my cock as I give you a mushroom shaped bruise. Grrr. Finally, I just happen to get behind someone pulling out, and park.

I thought that getting there at 1:30 in the afternoon would lead to less people. I had forgotten a couple of facts. 1) School was not in session, and every teenager within a two mile radius was there. 2) A lot of moms were there which isn't a bad thing by itself, but the screaming, crying spawn they brought with them, set me further on edge. I've noticed in the past that if I'm not smiling and I look people in the eyes, crowds will part for me. I know that having wider shoulders makes me look more imposing, but I've been able to part crowds with a glance before I finished filling out and weighed 120 pounds. It's nice to know that most people are followers who cow to the more dominant members of the pack. I put on my alpha wolf face and waded into the crown.

First stop was Sephora. Like most beauty product stores the air was full of fragrance, the aisles full of women, and the sales people giggled seeing a somewhat baffled man walk in. It's a good thing I'm secure enough in my sexuality to go in there without shame. I walked around the store not having any luck, so I headed over to one of the employees. I have good eyes, but I'm so unfamilliar with their products, I might as well ask the expert. As luck would have it, the products I'm looking for aren't available in Wisconsin. She told me to go online to buy them. Sorry, I wanted a peek at them before I bought, and I try not to put my credit card info online if I can avoid it. I've looked at internet security programming, and it doesn't put me at ease.

I head back into the flow of the mall, hitting the required game and t-shirt stores. Near the food court, I have to dodge the bratlings as they run all over the place. The ghetto parents of these children are sitting and talking, and either aren't paying attention to their kids or don't care that they are brawling with each other and otherwise running amok. Note: I use the word ghetto, but I'm not talking any ethnic background in particular. You could find ghetto parents of all colors there. If it were legal, I would have spanked all of the brats there because someone needs to give consequences to them. I wondered when it became ok for people to let kids run rampant?

I did a bit of browsing of clothing as well. I got a little better idea of what I'll be buying in the future. I didn't get anything yesterday since I'll be driving past plenty of outlet malls on my trip to North Dakota, and will be visiting a couple of them. I go through Minnesota which has no sales tax on clothing, so I'll probably get them there. Thanks to all of you who sent in advice to the clueless one here. Keldrick and Blonde get extra bonus points for commenting in public since I like open forum discussions. If and when I meet you guys, I'll be buying the first few rounds.

While in the largest and most upscale department store, I dropped in their health and beauty section. The one good thing of the trip, is the fragrance employees don't spray whatever bottle they're trying to sell in your face anymore. Now they spray it on a small piece of cardstock and hand it to you. I came across a couple contenders for my new cologne, but after a bit I couldn't smell the difference between any of them anymore. I didn't get a headache from the perfume either, which is unusual. It didn't smell as floral as usual there, and that might have been the difference.

On the way back through the mall to the exit where my car is parked near, I hit all sorts of stupidity. The first was three obese women who waddled just far enough apart to take up the entire corridor, but not far enough to get around. I walked up behind them (not a pretty sight) and slowed down until I could get around them. They decided en masse to stop and block traffic at that point. Since I doubted they saw me, I politely said, "Pardon me." The behemoth in the middle turned around with such a look of hate and annoyance. Sorry if I interrupted your conversation and am making you move a little, but it wasn't like I said "Move your fat asses so I can get through."

Further along the way, a group of people stopped and chatting blocked my way. Thinking these people would be more reasonable than the last, I went to one side of the group and asked, "Pardon me, can I get through?" You would think I'd have some luck with that line. Nope. The person with his back to me turned quickly looking pissed off like I had slapped him upside the head. "Whatchoo axe me, white boy?" I repeated myself, but without the pardon me. He moved aside slowly, just to piss me off. I guess that manners are no longer being taught in schools or at home anymore. Neither is grammar that even resembles the King's English.

Finally I get out of the mall, to my car and back on the way home. I needed to pay my cell phone bill so I stopped by the store to pay my bill. I know I can mail it in, but since my company pays for cell phones I have to get a reciept so I can expense it. When I pulled into the parking lot, I should have pulled right back out and took care of it another day. The strip mall space where I go to pay my bill is right next to a planned parenthood, and the protesters were out in force. Since I was angry and just wanting to get the last of my errands done, I decided to go in. Even going to the place next door, the pro-life wackos decide I look like I need to be ambushed. Grisly pictures are pushed into my face while they foam at the mouth reciting pro-life rhetoric and a few bible verses they want to twist to their needs. I didn't need this crap. I'm just paying my bill. Leave me the fuck alone.

On the way out, I got ambushed again. Lucky me. At this point, I have serious anti-life feelings. I want to be clearing a path to my car with gunfire. It is idiots of this sort that made laws against blowjobs and masturbation. Until very modern times, people thought that semen was liquid baby, and the mother's only function was let it grow inside her. Oral sex was canibalism, and masturbation was murder of a child. I'm glad we know more these days, but those laws are still there. I'm just glad they aren't enforced, as I'd be a serial killer with an astounding record.

Oh, and the picture at the top? That is me with my SR-16. It's not a real gun, it's an airsoft gun that fires BB's. It looks and feels very real, and I treat it like it's the real steel. I wouldn't take in public, but it's a fun thought to imagine clearing my path through the masses after the day I had.

/endrant

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