If you're having girl problems, I feel bad for you son...

Where was I? New job in KC? Yeah, that didn't happen. Next few jobs that got into my sights didn't happen either. I don't take disappointment well. I was looking forward to the thought of moving. It's tempting to be able to start with a clean slate. Only problem is that your past has a way of sneaking up and slapping the shit out of you.

So I'm just trying to keep my head down at work so I can possibly get out of this department I'm in now. I can tell that it's affecting my life in seriously negative ways. I just don't even want to get near a phone these days. I have a voicemail on my cell right now that I haven't listened to from Friday. I really don't want to hear anyone else's crap right now. I can't even handle my own.

My nerves are on edge as I'm dancing on the razor trying to get a better deal. I could keep on with the same job and stay on this trail. It would be easy to just get a new apartment (my roommate moves out in a little over a month, so I ended the lease) stay with the same ol' thing, but it sure as hell isn't good for me if my present state is any indication. I keep my hope up trying to for new things in another city and I might end up homeless and/or hopeless. I'm just in the middle of this dark miasma of uncertainty, my doubts and issues swirling around me like a tornado and it only takes one to end my life. No wonder I'm alone.

Then again, I've some fine examples of why it's good to be single lately. Ms. I. Needa Babydaddy, Ms. Cody Pendant, Ms. Diva B. Otch, and that's the just the funny names off the top of my head I can think of at 3am. Yeah, there's probably a perfect woman out there for me somewhere, but I'm not counting on meeting her. My life's complicated enough right now.

...I got 99 problems, but a bitch ain't one.

Unpause

Long time, no see.

I know, I haven't posted in a long ass time. The reason for the pause? That's how my life has felt the last year or so. I wake up, work, eat, sleep, work out, play computer games, and have an occaisional drink. In all of that time, I haven't felt like there was anything of substance that I felt worthy to share with the world. My life was on pause, and so was my blog.

The reason for coming out of my electronic torpor is that my life may be changing drastically in the next few weeks. I miss travel and the job I picked up sucks balls. When I found that my current boss was blocking my chances at advancing in the company I'm in because I'm the most capable person he has, I decided to look outside and do something for me. Even more drastic for me is that I decided I would open up my search to most of the US rather than deciding I have to stay in Milwaukee.

So it looks like I have a company very interested in me. I'll be flying out to Kansas City in two weeks to meet face to face with them. I'm guessing that since they are paying for me to fly out there, that I pretty much have the job at this point. I hope I do, at least. If I do, I could be moving out of Milwaukee within two months.

Kansas City, here I come...

If I leave here tomorrow, would you still remember me?

I've started this posted at least a dozen times. I just haven't been able to get anything out.

I'm trying to make changes. The details are boring, so I'll spare them. I've been trying since my last post to improve my outlook on things, get a better job that doesn't leave me hating the world, try to get back into shape, and improve life in general. So far, I'm slowly making progress on the last two. Working my ass off at the gym lately leaving me sore as hell most days, and paying off my student loans so I can get back into school and move forward in life.

The job field has failed me horribly. I've been more and more desperate to get the hell out of the job I have as it's just getting worse. My boss is probably sabotaging all of my efforts to get out of there as I'm the only competent one left.

Anyway.... enough of that crap.

I've made 9 Brewer games so far this year. It's been a heckuva trip, but I keep going on Fridays, and they're 3 and 5 on Fridays. I have a lot of bobbleheads, tho. Still have not caught a foul ball yet. They keep landing one section either way of us. Oh well, still have 5 more games to attend this year. More if they make the playoffs.

I stood up in a friend's wedding. The only thing that saved that reception was the groomsmen (including myself) and the alcohol it took to make us impervious to embarassment. We drank, partied, and yes, I even danced. Badly. Like the white boy I am. Apparently we were such a hit there that they gave us a standing ovation upon staggering hung over into the gift opening.

I want to get away on vacation. I almost don't care where I go as long as there is some great company upon arrival. I don't think that anyone has the time for me, tho. Or that I'll be able to get away from work before my birthday. I'm looking to prove myself wrong, tho. Or to find somewhere to go in september or october.

Anyway, the last quote was from "The Kids Aren't Alright" from the Offspring. We'll see if anyone still comes here to tell me where today's is from.

Chances blown, nothing's free, longing for what used to be.

I finally got my first full night of sleep last night. First time since just after St. Patrick's Day that I did that. Of course, I got a little help last night since yesterday was day 1 of my vacation in Missouri. I feel much better already.

Had an interesting talk with my ex-gf down here about where things stand. It's the first time that I've felt like our breaking up wasn't just my fault. We both had a lot of growing up to do it seems. Even though we were talking about why we weren't together and how we aren't going to end up together again unless something drastic happens, I was feeling good. It finally kinda sunk in that there's always someone who is going to love me. I must have matured well, because she said that if she didn't love the guy she was with now, she would be after me in a heartbeat.

I'm sure that sounds weird to most people, but I can respect that. You don't give your word and break it. She knows that the same goes for me. I enjoy my time with her but if I somehow find someone I love and who loves me back, my Missouri friend will be back to just being friends without benefits.

Until that time, I can hold a beautiful woman in my arms and smile feeling that all is right in my world. I hope I can keep that feeling for a long time. Or at least long enough to last until I can feel it directly again.

Nobody guessed on the song from the other days, so here it is:



Feel Good Inc. from Gorillaz

Anyone want to try today's?

My dreams, they've got to kiss, because I dont get sleep, no

As the title suggests, I haven't been sleeping much again. I haven't had a full night of sleep in at least 5 weeks at the moment. I've gotten used to the dull throbbing headache that's hiding behind my forehead, but I really hate the feeling that I have sand in my eyes constantly. I'm sort of stuck in the middle of a fight between my mind and body. I have either been too full of energy to sleep, or my mind has been going a hundred miles an hour keeping me staring at the ceiling at night.

I almost feel bad for my coworkers because I'm a bit crabby anyway, but lately I've been really touchy. I don't really care much. Erik in a crabby mood seems to make them work harder to keep me from having to do their jobs for them. I can live with that tradeoff. I don't really have to worry about pissing off any girlfriends or friends in general right now either. I'm too tired to do much most of the time.

I have been pushing myself at the gym lately. I started doing that hoping that I could make my body tired enough for sleep. That didn't work since I seem to get my energy back pretty quickly. I have found something that surprised me lately. My back is much stronger than I thought. I can comfortably lift my body weight plus 10%, and can almost pull +20% if I'm really pushing it. I suppose that's what happens when you keep the weight of the world on your shoulders. *laughs*

Hopefully I can get some rest soon since I'm going on a brief vacation in two weeks. Would hate to be a zombie on my vacation. I'm pretty close to that now. Naps, nookie and narcotics are needed again, I think. I don't think I'll be getting any of that anytime soon. I'll keep my fingers crossed.

Here's the song from last time. It's a cover of the original, but good stuff anyway.


Land of Confusion by Genesis (cover by Disturbed)

Anyone care to guess todays song?