Thursday, June 29, 2006

I deserve better.

That's the point of this post.

I'm tired of getting overlooked for the wonderful person I am.
I'm tired of meaning so little to so many people.
I'm tired of not being loved.
I'm tired of being so angry at a world that never appreciated shit.
I'm tired of missing/losing opportunities because I'm just not _______ enough. (Whatever the fuck ____ means)
I'm tired of feeling like a second class citizen.
I'm tired of pity.
I'm tired of being ignored.
I'm tired of not being good enough.
I'm tired of being used.
I'm tired of having everything I feel good about stolen from me.
I'm tired.

Sick and fucking tired.

I want to put a bullet through my head, and I still can't do it. I made a promise and I keep telling myself that it will be better someday. Someday will come and people will see what wonderful things they missed. I only think that it will happen after I'm gone, kind of like an artist.

Maybe that's just a delusion. Maybe I just have nothin'. That seems more likely these days. I'm only wanted by the users and abusers out there. I really would like to curl up in a ball and have someone whisper in my ear that they could take all of the pain I feel in my chest away.

But there's nobody here.

Fuck, I really deserve better.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

In the words of Monte Burns, "Hello cruel world."

I suppose I'll start with some job news. I'm still waiting for the next call. If I don't receive a call by end of business today, I'll be sending a follow-up email to see where things are. These guys got me excited to go back to work, so I'm not going to be giving up easily.

Since I've been waiting at home for a phone call, I've watched a lot more TV than usual. I keep catching people begging for more aid to Africa, partiularly Darfur. Just this morning I saw Mia Farrow asking people for their hard earned money to send to Africa. Ok, my next comment is going to piss off some people, but hear me out.

Giving aid to Africa is for fucking idiots.

Now don't get me wrong, I think the desire to help the people of Africa is a noble one. The thing is that aid isn't helping, and is making it worse for the most part. Do you realize that we've given over 1.45 trillion dollars to Africa. Where has it gone? According to my calculation, that's over $1,700 for every man, woman, and child on the African continent. Where has it gone?

For the most part, charitable aid to Africa comes in 3 forms; money, medicine, and food. We give it to the governments there to divide as they see best. Which is what they do, in a way. They think the best way to handle it is to keep it all for themselves. The estimate is that 90-95% of aid never makes it to the people. That's not just the money either since medical supplies and food are easy to sell on the world market. So now these dictatorships are rich with all of our aid money. So what do they do with it?

First of all, they live in complete luxury. They have immense estates, with the most expensive cars. Trump would be jealous with how some of these guys live. Second, they stash some away for a rainy day, like when they get ousted in a military coup because the generals want to be earning the kind of cash that the leader is currently pulling down. They estimate that over $100 billion is held in Swiss bank accounts of African leaders. The third thing they do is to buy weapons for their military so they can keep their citizens from rising up in revolt. This guarantees that their population will remain poor, and the funds will keep flowing.

So let's look at the real problems in Africa. The biggest challenge is that people have no rights. In most countries, the government claim ownership of everything. They control business and more importantly, they control every piece of real estate in the country. If people don't own the land, they see no reason to improve it. So the people are using seriously outdated techniques and equipment to farm the land. They don't farm any more than what they need to survive since the government takes the extra, and since they have poor land management the crops fail on a regular basis.

Why don't the people rise up and boot out these leeches they have as leaders? Well, they don't enjoy the rights we do here. They have no freedom of speech, so they can be censored, jailed, tortured, and killed for speaking out against the government. They have no freedom to bear arms, so they can't protect themselves from the government and can't revolt to start up a just government. A government should always be afraid of it's people, not vice versa.

Anyway, I've gone on long enough. We have to stop thinking short term and start fixing problems in the long term. You can't put a band-aid on a gunshot wound thinking that it will fix it. The reason why problem in Africa hasn't been fixed is because the real solution is ugly and cold. Cut off aid to any country that mishandles any of it, and start supporting democratic rebel groups in that country with arms. I know this guarantees that there will be famine and war in that country, but hasn't that always been the price of freedom?

Comments welcome and encouraged as always. Bonus points for the first to name the song the title comes from.

Monday, June 26, 2006

Breaking news

Friday was a long freakin' day. I hate waiting around aimlessly. I don't mind waiting if I know approximately when I'm going to get a call, but just waiting for a call that could be at any time kills your day. I didn't want to be in the middle of a grocery store when I got a business call. I certainly didn't want to miss this call while I was at the gym or anything. So I waited by my phone.

At about 3:30 I got an email saying that something came up and he'd call me on Monday. I understand how crap like that happens, but couldn't he have let me know by noon? Grr.

This weekend was pretty quiet. Friday night I went for a fish-fry down by the lake with mandatory beer drinking afterwards. Saturday I did very little, and Sunday I washed my car, but didn't get to wax it thanks to the rain that blew in. There was also some grilling and more beer than needed to be taken care of as well.

Today, I did almost the same thing I did Friday. I waited. And waited. Finally about 1 I get an email telling me to expect a call at 2. Finally I talked to the guy who did the next stage of the screening. He sounded quite impressed and knowledgeable about my resume as well. I had a nice talk with him and felt that I did quite well. I thought at this point that I'd be asked to come down to Tampa for a face to face interview. Not yet, tho. They want me to talk to at least one more manager before that.

After I finished up with the interviewer today, I called back the HR person I originally spoke to and he told me that he'll make sure that I get a call soon from the next step in the process and will let me know when that will be set up for.

All in all, things are looking pretty good right now. That's a scary thought...

The title of the last post came from Clutch. A song called Big News.

"We got big news.
The party boat is here.
The band is kickin'
And I see lots of beer."

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Fortune tellers make a killing nowadays, me oh my.

Interview part one went well this morning. In less than 20 minutes, I passed the first stage of screening with flying colors. The guy in charge of recruiting (the interviewer) told me that I should recieve a call from the second half of the screening process either today or tomorrow at the latest.

Then he called later today asking if I had gotten a call yet. I hadn't and he assured me that someone would call me very soon and to call him after I get that call. I think they either are impressed by the mad skillz, or are really desperate for help. Or both.

Anyway, I did learn a few things today in the conversation that put a smile on my face. Main thing was that they said they could do "significantly better" than my previous salary. I'm guessing they can do it because I will get more pay, but no company car. I'm comfortable with that, tho.

The company headquarters is in Tampa as well. I'll probably get to see it in person if I pass the next round of screening. They require a face-to-face interview before hiring, so I'm guessing I'll get a free trip to Tampa out of this at the very least. If they hire me, I'd train down there. Florida in the summertime probably will suck, but I'd be going down there at other times of the year for corporate events according to the interviewer. I'm comfortable with that, too.

We shall see what happens tomorrow.

Knowing the song the lyric in the title gets bonus points. There's hidden meaning there if you figure it out. Comments welcome as always.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

I may have just done something incredibly stupid, or amazingly wonderful.

That was my thought earlier today. But let me get to the last week or so first.

I've been incredibly bitter, angry, and depressed. I've looked at the world, watched many people enjoy the things I want, and know that I can't have that right now or probabily ever. I've been acting like a petulant child, because I want those things. I want the beautiful girl that loves me. I want the nice home that I can set up to my own sense of comfort. I want the group of people who looks around and says "Hey, where's Erik?" and calls me up because they miss my presence.

It doesn't seem like that's what is meant to be, tho. I haven't gotten a call, email or even an IM in almost 2 weeks. I've had no luck on a roommate so far, and I don't know a woman in this city who wants to spend an evening with me anymore. I just gotta accept that I'm not getting what I want and enjoy more of the things I have that I do enjoy.

I did go see yet another game at Miller Park last week. We beat Cleveland quite handily on Friday night. I even went to Leon's afterwards for some celebratory custard.

Anyway, I was even more bummed due to a job interview I have coming up on Friday. It is for a pharmacy technician position. I want and need a job, but I feel like I'm wasting my time and talents going back to a pharmacy tech job. I wasn't finding anything better, tho.

Until I looked around today. I saw a job for a travelling software trainer for a healthcare information company. A big name company is looking for someone to train the midwest in their software. As much as I felt alone on the road, it's not like I'm doing better staying at home. So I applied.

They called me within 4 hours of my resume being sent to them to set up a phone interview first thing tomorrow morning.

Oh shit. This could be so very good and so very bad all at the same time. I suppose it's time to do what I seem to do best; Grab a handful of hair and hold on because this might very well be a bumpy ride.


Thursday, June 15, 2006

Just a thought

Sometimes all I would like is a little caring and compassion.

Not that my needs mean shit.

The last two quotes come from Anthrax (thanks StB) and the other is from eminem in the song "Sing for the moment". It's fitting I think.

I wish I didn't make any fucking promises to myself.

Sunday, June 11, 2006

In the land of killers, a sinner's mind is a sanctum

Who walk this earth without a heart.

Tears the innocent souls apart.

Who shovel their conscience to the grave.


Bonus points for knowing where the title or the lyrics are from.

Thursday, June 01, 2006

And only myself to blame

It's been a rough week for me. I've been trying to stay positive through it all. I've been making myself and others laugh. Probably making a complete fool of myself, too. I'm done trying to be happier for a while. I just need to vent. Brace yourself, it may be a bumpy ride.

First of all, I haven't been able to sleep more than 3 hours at a time. I've been catching a nap here and there which is frustrating. I know that I need more sleep. I certainly the time to sleep. I just can't stay asleep, or go back to sleep once I wake up. This is how I've been sleeping since last Wednesday. Frustrating.

Next, by car took some damage apparently in two different incidents in two days. First one damaged my tire, messed up the front end alignment, and dented the oil pan so badly that it needs to be replaced since my engine isn't getting enough oil. Everyone and their fucking brother have been asking me when I hit a curb. I didn't. I don't remember hitting or running over anything. And I haven't driven when I was drinking, either. The damage for this is running around $600-650. I have a $500 deductible, so I'm better off paying for this myself. Incident 2 was done in a parking lot. Someone drove into my passenger side mirror and totally fucked it up. Another $250 in damage which comes right out of my pocket. Just fucking wonderful.

I've been looking for jobs lately. I thought I had one in the bag. A decent job too. Only a small decrease in salary from my last job. Got the call today at the auto shop that they were glad to meet me, but they hired someone else. Now the only other jobs out there that are interested in interviewing me are pharmacy technician jobs. There's nothing wrong with a pharmacy tech job, except that they pay would be only 60% of what I was making. I guess I fucked myself over leaving the last job.

Anyone know someone in Milwaukee looking for an apartment? I just found out that I'll need a new roommate by August 1. I knew two people who were looking last month for a new apartment. Both of them decided to stay where they are even though it's more expensive and a worse apartment because it's too much hastle to move. I have no clue where to look for a new roommate at the moment. At least I have two months before I'd get fucked over there. Something to look forward to.

I'm so disgusted right now that I don't even want to bother with anything. Fuck cleaning. Fuck laundry. Fuck making dinner. Fuck people. Fuck everything.

My luck has gotta change sometime, doesn't it?