One week

I've been alternately looking forward to and trying to ignore my birthday. The last few years I've only been disappointed by my birthday, so more disappointment isn't exactly something to get all excited about. On the other had, the kid in me always looks forward to my birthday. Who knows what will happen this year?

The days certainly are passing surprisingly fast right now. I'm surprised it's the end of August already. I think work has put a fast forward on some things. I seem to blink and the week is over. Well, blink twice. Once gets me to Wednesday and the bar, the other gets me to the weekend.

Tomorrow is burn the bill night at the bar. The owner had a heart attack a few years back and he finished paying off his bill, so he'll be burning copies of it at regular intervals. The amusing thing is that I know work for the healthcare provider he visited. I think I'm going to thank him for paying my salary at least a few times tomorrow night. Particularly if it bugs him. *laughs*

Anyway, my night is very exciting. I think I'm going to hang online a bit, and go to sleep early. I want to be well rested for tomorrow. I'm betting I'll be at the bar until late tomorrow.

Temptations of the dark side

I've had a pretty busy week with work. We have vacations and leaves to cover right now, so there has been the opportunity to work however many hours I want to. So on Thursday and Friday I worked a combined 23 hours plus I'm working a few hours today as well. Since Saturdays are supervisor free, I finally got to check my blog between calls. Glad to see that this site isn't blocked like just about every other site is. (Just found out: I can't actually read my or other blogs at work, but I can write posts. How fucked up is that?)

I woke up from a dream this morning and couldn't get back to sleep. I rarely remember dreams as well, so I was surprised to remember so much detail from this one. I didn't wake up suddenly or screaming, but it was a very disturbing dream that has me thinking. Even odder to be was that it starred the evil ex, who I really haven't thought of much lately.

The dream basically was me kidnapping her and then punishing her in many really messed up ways. We're talking physically abusive and sexually abusive ways. I'm not going to go into further detail than that. The dream has me thinking a lot because during the dream, I was enjoying what was happening.

I had to wonder if this was just my brain going out on a limb for no reason, or if there is some part of me that enjoys this. I know I have a dominant side, but this was controlling and abusive. Maybe there's a part of me that would like to punish her or other people and sits in the back of my consciousness plotting what to do when that day comes. I know we all want on some level to get revenge on people who hurt us, but this was extreme.

I might be disturbed more by this because it came out of left field and was very vivid. I wish I knew because even 6 hours later, my mind keeps going back to think of it. Any thoughts?

Settling in

First a couple of notes. No call yet from Joanne and company. Do I know my luck or what? *laughs* The other is that it's now officially two weeks and counting to my birthday. Only 13 more shopping days until my birthday. *laughs again* Kidding of course. What I would truly like can't be bought... rented maybe, but not bought. ;p

Yesterday was my first day of exchanging boredom for money at my new job. Yesterday was orientation which was the most dull experience I've had in a long time, which includes driving through Iowa. Six and a half hours of trying not to fall asleep as they ran through policies and procedures, mist that I already knew since I had worked for this company before. Ugh.

Today wasn't too bad. The still haven't gotten my cubicle all set up with my own network login and all of that, so I haven't been able to check if I will be able to blog from work. I was unhappy to hear that they blocked out MSN and Yahoo messengers and web email so I won't be able to use them. I sense a lot of boredom in my future and nobody to talk to unless I hand out my work email to friends. I understand why you wouldn't want anyone to use them instead of working, but help desk has a lot of dull times between calls.

The funny thing is that most of the people there know me already, and I don't know them. I must be quite a memorable person. Either that or they heard that the whitest man they've ever seen would be coming and was told that person was me. Oh well, at least I get out tomorrow just in time to hit Art's for a few beers.

Yada to tha third

I'm still in a very blah mood. I keep feeling like I've wasted my life. I've been trying to shake the feeling, but it isn't going away.

I was at a block party this weekend and when I got home, all I could think of was how I was just taking up space. I talked with a few people. We said empty pleasantries to each other. Joked about this and that. When we parted ways, I felt like I made no difference in their lives. I was a single serving friend to talk to and then to be discarded.

Maybe I'm not a single serving person, but I do feel discardable. Hell, I feel discarded by most people. I'm friends for a while but after a while I'm not worth the effort and I get tossed to the side. Since I worked in a travelling job, I haven't been much for calling up people or visiting people, but even before then I had the same thing happen. I can't tell you why. Nobody wants to tell me the answer.

Tonight I should've been a bit happier, but I'm not. I was at my local bar drinking with a friend, and these five gals walk in. I was talking to everyone, and since they were next to me at the bar, I chatted them up. Joanne, Jane, and Tracy were all nice gals. Joanne seemed quite interested in me. We went back and forth. She asked a lot of questions about me, particularly about sex, piercings, and such since my tongue is pierced. She even asked me for my number.

I'm going to put a bet out there for anyone to take up. $100 to anyone who wants to bet that I won't hear from Joanne or the other two by my birthday. That's September 5th for those of you not in the know. Honestly, I hope I'm wrong here. I'd look forward to paying up. I doubt I'm wrong, tho.

Yesterday's title was from "40 oz. to Freedom" from Sublime. I drank a lot more than 40 ounces tonight, but I feel neither better nor free. I think you only feel free if you get what you want or better yet, happily laid while or after drinking. You tell me...

But life's one big question when you're staring at the clock.

I've been slacking on the blogging and other computer things as of late. I figure with my new job starting next week, I'll have plenty of time to write up blog entries at work between calls. I also have not replaced my glasses yet. I might not need my glasses to read or use a computer, but I tend to not read and use my computer as much when my eyes could get strained easily.

I have been doing a lot of thinking, however. There are so many thoughts bouncing around my head, but they all come down to one basic question. What's next? This goes on so many levels. What should I do about my job/career? What am I going to do to make me a happy Erik? How the hell am I going to find a gal to spend time with? Maybe I'm thinking about this because of the detour of my career. Of course, my birthday is coming up soon, so that might be why as well. I'll be 31 and back at square one. I feel like I've wasted so much time.

I did get a very thorough physical for the new job. More than just the usual drug testing. I had an actual doctor look me over. They also did vision and TB testing. I'm happy to say that I'm drug free, TB free, have good eyes, no hernia *cough*, and otherwise disgustingly healthy. A lot more testing than I thought they'd do considering my job will have me at a desk all day.

I've had a pretty blah week. I've been doing things like hit the local bar, go to a block party, and hang with my friends, but I just haven't been all there. I'm not getting excited about anything as of late. I'm not too sure why. Maybe I just need another jolt to get me out of a rut. Too bad I can't swing by Missouri again. I dunno. I gotta find something. Ideas?

Bonus points for knowing the title.

Back in the saddle again

I checked in with a friend of mine today who I used to work with. I asked him how things have been and what's been going on. He works at a help desk for the pharmacy chain I used to work for. His job had been getting better as of late, except for the fact that he was losing one of his best people.

I asked how the pay was. A bit better than a pharmacy technician. I told him to toss my name at his boss, who I knew very well. I figured that I might hear from them in a week or so, since the place had a huge beauracracy.

Three hours later, the boss calls. We talk a bit, and he asks if I was serious about the position. I told him that I was definately interested in the short term although my long term plans were still undecided. Then he catches me off guard.

"Well Erik, I'll consider this our interview. I'll tell HR to make you an offer."

Sure, it's not going to be the best job, but it's work. I might be able to sleep tonight insteading of staring at my ceiling above my bed wondering what to do.

The funny thing is that this is the third job in a row that I've gotten a job within 24 hours of inquiring about it. I seem to either get it right away, or not get it at all.

I'm going out for some celebratory drinks.

Figures...

I didn't get the job. My backup job couldn't wait for me. I'm back at square one and almost out of money.

I'm so fucked.

And I've been working like a dog.

You don't know how glad I am to be back online. I like to check my email quite frequently, and n0t being able to was driving me nuts. It's interesting to see how attached to technology we get.

Last weekend was a rough one. My mom and I went over to my brother's new house to get it ready. He had until the end of July to move out of his apartment, so it was a last push to get the place as habitable as possible. I still wouldn't want to live there. He had a contractor come in to see what work will need to be done. Luckily only the floor and support beams under the utility room need replacing. I was afraid the bathroom and kitchen might need it too. We cleaned, fixed things, and painted all weekend. I got back early on monday morning exhausted but my brother was able to move his furniture and cats in the next day.

With no internet service, I turned my attention to cleaning and rearranging my house since my new roommate just moved in on Sunday. I went through many boxes I had that I'd kept moving from apartment to apartment, not realizing that 75% of the things in it was crap. Now the extra crap from my house has been carried out and tossed in the trash.

Once I finished going through the boxes, I started moving around furniture. With the extra room in the master bedroom, I moved my computer and desk in so I have a lot more privacy. It's nice to be able to relax and not have to worry about someone looking over my shoulder. Afte moving the computer, I had a lot more room in the living room. My roommate brought futons with him, and we set up two in the living room to add to the seating space since I only have one couch myself. It worked out pretty nicely, I think.

I finished most of the work around here that I had to do yesterday. Now I can get back to normal. Today I'm resting, tho. I've been sore as hell due to the constant work over the last two weeks, so I think I've earned a couple days to relax.

On the job front, I'm still waiting for the call. After the interview last week, The told me they should have a decision by today, but all the decisions from this person has taken much longer than expected every time. I still have a good feel about the job, but this waiting is killing me. I want to be working and travelling again. That's been my life lately. Not too exciting, but that's my life lately.