I'm just a 21st century digital boy, I don't know how to live but I've got a lot of toys

Warning: drunk and too truthful post. So step off if you can't handle deez nuts, fuckers.

I'm amusing myself by posting tonight. I got blitzed at the bar tonight while ogling the cute bartender. She was talking about her boyfriend (who she knew a whole 2 months before he shipped overseas) and was worried about him coming home on leave, and what was going to happen. Personally, she needs to get on this lap and bite a pillow so we doesn't wake up all of her neighbors instead of waiting for a guy who's never there. Do I tell her this shit? Nope. I'm "the friend", remember?

1- Quote from a song here, bonus points if you know the band and song. "If I'm so wonderful, then why am I so misunderstood?"

I bought an iPod and have spent the last 48 hours deciding what is good enough to be on it. I love it whule I work out. The variety of my tastes shows, tho. Everything is on the damn thing. I still need to get Biz Markie, Henry Rollins, and Pantera on it. Fucking sucks that I don't have those CD's. I have so many good albums on tape and not on CD. Fuck.

2- Here's a song for my mood. More points if you pick the song and artist, bitches.
That's rock bottom,
When this life makes you mad enough to kill
That's rock bottom,
When you want something bad enough to steal
That's rock bottom,
When you feel like you've had it up to here
Cuz you're mad enough to scream
But you're sad enough to tear.

What do I need right now? Companionship? Friends? Love? A helluva good lay? I dunno. I think all of the above. Personally, I need to follow my dreams and fuck a gal on the pitchers mound of Miller Park during a game. Actually, maybe center field so the people with bad seats can get a good show and cheer me on while I bang her doggy style and smack her ass like it's never been smacked before. I must be wrong in the head, right? Maybe I just have the ballpark in my head since I just got tickets for two games in May. Back to back games in a few weeks. I'll be tailgating heavily. I'm even making the brats, biotch.

I haven't decided if I'm going to hit the gun range or the porn store tomorrow. Both are a release, I guess. It's pretty fucking sad if these are the only bright spots in my day, eh?

I deserve so much better. Why don't more gals tell me then want some of this?

Talking to my sister the other day, I hear (15 years too fucking late) that a few of her friends had the hugest crush on me. I dunno why I never saw this at all. I know that I can't judge people, but apparently a couple wanted me badly over many years. I must be dense as shit.

Yeah, this is a long post. Deal with it.

3- Last song quote. You know the deal. Bonus points. Drinks involved if I see ya. Feel lucky. "I'm freaking and you couldn't care less. I've got the deep down crazies trying to get my head round this mess."

Johnny Walker is my friend. I wish I had friends like him who would be at my house when I needed them. As much as I hate to be an alcohol whore (ok, another song lyric), I like being drunk when I feel like this. Part of me wants to end things, and I promised myself I wouldn;t do that. So rather than deal with the part of me that craves self destruction with a drooling maw, I liquor myself up hoping that the hole I feel in my chest will be pacified for a few moments so I can get a second of peace. One reason I masturbate so much, I suppose. I love those seconds ofter a good orgasm where my brain is blank. Sex is a better thing, tho. I can have sex, curl up with the gal afterwards, and think of nothing for hours. The only thing I think of is how good she feels against me. I miss that feeling.

I hope this even makes sense to one person. I hope that I can still pull off grammar and correct spelling at this point. If not, forgive me. If I'm too drunk to understand right now... well, your loss, I guess. I have a loose tongue when I'm drunk. Aren't ya jealous?

Yeah, that's what I thought... *laughs*

Dried up, tied, and dead to the world

I haven't been posting lately as you probably can tell. I'm not really wanting to deal with all the shit out in the world right now. I haven't been answering my phone (not that anyone calls me) since last Saturday. I didn't go to my usual bar visits on Tuesday and Wednesday. I haven't even gone to the gym.

I just don't want to come face to face with people that piss me off. I'm angry, frustrated, and agitated. I could deal with friends who want to come over (not that they want to) but that's about it.

I've been gone from the various groups I'm a part of for a week, and only one person has bothered to check up on me. Color me replaceable. Pretty fucking pitiful, eh?

I know what will get me out of this mood. We all know that isn't going to happen, tho.

I have to build up my willpower so I don't kill anyone at the Brewer game on Friday. I promised my mom that I'd go with her. I'm already regretting making that promise, but I always keep my word. I hope it's not a bat giveaway day...

Sorry for the angry post and the long pauses. I probably won't be posting again for a while, but you never know. Miracles could happen. Yeah, right.

You know what? There is no Easter bunny.

This Sunday is Easter, and it seems like it has come too early or something this year. Like my mom, I didn't even realize that Easter was upon us until last weekend. Officially I'm Lutheran, but my family has never been big on going to church. I think the last time I went to church for services with the family was when I was 7 or 8. Since Easter snuck up on us this year, we're not even going to have the usual Easter dinner. I've heard more than a few people who are doing the same, too. One family is going to get some hot sliced ham and rolls and that'll be Easter dinner. It's just an odd year...

There's a case here in Milwaukee that's gotten some national airplay thanks to Court TV. Three cops are on trial for beating a guy up at a house party. I won't get into the details of the Jude case, but there was one funny story that came out of it. One gal was on the stand and one of the lawyers was questioning her. They asked her why she was at the party and all that. Then they asked her if she had sex with one of the defendants. Yes. That night? Yes. How about with defendant 2? Yes. That night? Yes. To the best of my knowledge, this is what happened next:

Lawyer: So Ms. ____, you're telling me that you had sex with (defendant 1), and then later had sex with (defendant 2) on the night in question?
Witness: No, it was a the same time.
Court TV Reporter: (sounding shocked) I think the witness has just admitted to having a threesome on national television.

I laughed my ass off on that one for so many reasons.

I went out Tuesday night with a group of people. We meet up every Tuesday so one of the gals suggested calling ourselves the C U Next Tuesday group. The group has some interesting people, but as per usual has more guys than gals. Some of the gals are bi as well. The last two weeks, I haven't even bothered putting a few condoms in my jacket pocket before I go out. I don't see anything happenning there. They are still fun to hang with which is why I keep going out, but it sucks listening to the stories of sexual hijinx that go on in the group and know that I'll probably never get to indulge in them myself.

More stories later...

Scientific reasons to get a little lovin'

1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shine and skin smooth.

2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.

3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner.

4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers!

5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being.

6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!

7. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.

8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth andlowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.

9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.

10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.

I stole this from someone, but it tickled my funny bone. I love sex and science, so a dose of the two together made my day. I could use 3, 5, and 7 particularly. Which ones are more important to you?

My early speechless morning

I'm grumpy, moody, and I can't fall asleep before 4am for some reason. I don't really know why I can't get out of this little rut I'm in at the moment. Suggestions?

I don't really have much to say at all. I didn't do much this weekend other than reading, cleaning, and playing games. Nobody has called in a while, so I haven't called anyone either. Oh well. We had great weather today. I must not have anything on my mind if I'm talking weather here. *shrugs* Just that kind of day...

T-Bow FTW, and updates

This is what a 100 mph fastball looks like when trying to be captured on my camera. For those who don't know the Brewers well, this is Derrick Turnbow on the mound. I was there with my family watching T-Bow get his 4th save and the Brewers are still undefeated for the year.

The game itself was fast and not really all that exciting. It was a pitcher's battle with lots of strikeouts and very few men on base. Prince Fielder is having a rough beginning of the season. He had 3 men on base with only one out and proceeded to ground out which turned into a double play. He just can't seem to get going this year. Hopefully he'll get out of his slump soon.

My family and I were going to tailgate the game but 40 degree temperatures and a messy forecast put an end to that. I did marinate and grill some brats to enjoy at my mom's house before we went to the game. It was surreal grilling as we were getting a dusting of snow. Good thing I had a beer in my hand, because I left my jacket inside. If it wasn't for the beer, I might've gotten cold. *laughs*

Last year, I caught a Carlos Lee foul ball and gave it to my mom since she is a bigger baseball fan than I am. When I was over there yesterday, I noticed that she had gotten it signed by Carlos Lee and sealed up in plastic on it's own little trophy stand. It was nice to see my efforts were appreciated.

In other news, the gal downstairs with the abusive boyfriend is back with him. No big surprise there. She did smile when she saw me, which is good since it's the first time I've seen her smile since they moved in. When I asked how she was doing, she said that everything was ok. Not likely, but I can't do much unless she wants to talk about it. Oh well, she knows where I live if she ever gets to that point.

And this is my competition?

I'm getting involved in something that's not my business, and I really shouldn't. A saw a guy throwing bottles and yelling at his girlfriend tonight and forced him to step the fuck off. I hope it doesn't end up worse for the asshole's gf, but I can't fucking stand to see a woman abused in front of me. I'm hoping that she'll come over here to talk rather than waiting for the asshole to come home. I have my Glock out just in case.

EDIT: (just read teh Blonde 's blog)

3 Names U go By: Erik, Whitey, "Guy who rocked my world" hehe ask the ex ;)

3 Screen Names U Have Had: Erik, Yzabelle (in games), Missing(in)Action

3 Things U Like about Yourself: I'm honest, smart, and a damn good person in general

3 Things U Don't Like about Yourself: Depression, my face/look, my tendancy to learn everything the hard way.

3 Parts of Your Heritage: Irish, English, Scotish, German, Scandinavian

3 Things that Scare U: Heights, my need for love from other people, Women.

3 of Your Everyday Essentials: Orgasm, Women, food.

3 Things U are Wearing Right Now: Sweats, Glock, ummm I'm out of apparel here.

3 of Your Favorite Bands or Musical Artists: Suicidal Tendancies, Tool/A Perfect Circle, Johnny Cash

3 of Your Favorite Songs: Man in Black, How will I laugh tomorrow?, Passive

3 Things U Want to Try in the Next 12 Months: Meet all the great people I talk to online, Be happy, be there for anyone who needs me.

3 Things You Want in a Relationship: Love, Honesty, Intelligence

3 Things about the Same Sex that Appeal to U: The ability to cut through bullshit, the acceptance, the simplicity of talking without worrying wat they'll think I mean.

3 Things U Just Cannot Do: Lie, Have sex with a man (I dunno how women like us, but I'm glad you do), Not care about people I meet.

3 of Your Favorite Hobbies: Games, Sex, and Cook

3 Things U Want to do Really Bad Right Now: Sex, Beat the shit out of controlling fuckers, Travel around the country and Europe

3 Careers U are Considering: Sex worker/ Porn star ;), Trainer, Drug Sales

3 Places You Want to Go on Vacation: Europe, Asia, Australia

3 Kid's Names: I have no kids, but I love an ex's kids dearly (Candice and Ashley)... if I named a kid it would either be Jason or Natasha

3 Things U Want to Do Before U Die: See every continent personally, Have a three (or more) some with me being the center of attention, Make all of my friends happy

3 Ways U are Stereotypically a Boy: I don't understand women, I love breasts, I like porn

3 Ways U are Stereotypically a Chick: I like to listen to people, I have a need to please other people, and I want to feel loved more than I want to get laid.

3 Celeb Crushes: Fairuza Balk, Melinda Clarke, Some unnamed large chested celebrity ;)

3 People U Would Like to Complete This Quiz: StB, the cute bartender, Liv (hopefully she'll come back)

No pain, no gain... and phrases

I shall never use a workout to try to keep myself awake again. I spent way longer than I should've at the gym, and now I can't lift my arms above my head and my abs feel like someone's been sucker punching me all morning. I can even fidget in my chair without hurting right now. I'm still awake, tho. Like usual, my mind is strong and overcomes the weak body. As long as it doesn't involve some really good food.

Anyway, while trying to keep going at the gym, I was watching the TV screens and saw a lot of cliches being used on the morning news programs. I love learning out how words and phrases start, so this morning you're getting a lesson in their entymology.

----- In WW2, the gunners in bomber crews judged how nasty things got by how much ammunition they had to use. The ammo belts they used were 27 feet long. When the shit hit the fan, they used up the whole belt. Whes asked how bad the mission was, they simply said that they went through the whole nine yards.

----- A miller's job is to grind down grain into flour. They used water wheels frequently to turn the stones that would crush the grain. You make high quality flour by making it very fine, which took a good miller. A good miller could tell you how fine your flour was going to be by the smell of it. In other words, a good miller kept their nose to the grindstone.

----- English pubs used to sell beer by volume. Unlike most of Europe who used liters, they used gallons, quarts, and pints to measure liquids. Since most people didn't buy beer by the gallon, the mugs at pubs came in two sizes, quarts and pints. Since neighbors don't take too kindly to a loud pub, bartenders frequently had to settle down a crowd. The one that was used most was "Mind your pints and quarts" which shortened down to "mind your p's and q's."

Anyway, enough of the history lesson for today. I need to get some more caffeine in me, and I think coffee is the way to go. Either Starbucks or Alterra will keep me awake, I'm sure of it. Later folks...

The long goodnight, and the morning after

This is a pic I took a while ago while I was working. It was in a pharmacy for a mental institution. I know it was probably used for medicinal use, but the sign was too funny to pass up.

I'm planning on doing something silly tonight. I'm heading to a bar with a group of people and I'm planning on not drinking. I'm not really doing this on a whim. I have my reasons.

First of all, Anger + Frustration + Depression + Alcohol = BAD. I've been holding back quite a bit lately. I really don't want to end up going off on someone because I'm inebriated and venting. I'd rather make it a fun evening.

Also, my sleeping pattern is all messed up and I think I know how to fix it. Thanks to getting sick and then Daylight Savings Time, I get to sleep around 4 or 5 in the morning and wake up around noon. This doesn't help my mood one bit. Since I can't seem to sleep any earlier, I'm going to stay up all night. I figure start pouring in the caffeine at the bar, and keep it going until tomorrow night.

By being up all night, I'll be fairly braindead when I get to my bar on Wednesday. I'm not sure if that'll be a good thing, tho. I'll either listen, not talk much, and leave early because I'm tired, or I'll blather on about something that will get me into trouble with the cute bartender. I suppose it really doesn't matter much either way. I'm probably out of the picture one way or another anyhow.

Here's something I was pondering the other day. I think I feel more alone than most people. I've said before how I don't get vibes off of people, and never really know how people feel about me. I judge how people feel about me by their actions since I've had a lot of liars school me in why I shouldn't trust what people say. I still tend to trust what people say but if it involves me I take it with a huge grain of salt until their actions show through. I try to look for little things like people calling me up just to talk or to hang out together. I look for people who go out of their way for me. I still think of sex as the best way to connect with people. I know that people can just want to fuck and not love someone. Hell, I've fucked many people I didn't love. I've only fucked gals that I'd consider to be a friend, tho. I have to care about someone before I'll let them in.

Like usual, I don't know if this makes sense. I probably sound like a whiny little wuss, or a wannabe romantic, or something like that. Not a fun or smart thing to talk about either, I'm sure. Thanks for letting indulge my introvert side, tho. As always, let me know what you think.

Nice guys finish last

I'm stuck in the friend zone again and life sucks. I was at my bar and talking with the cute bartender. She was talking about some cardio striptease program she was doing, so I had to say that I'd sure like to see that. Very seriously she says, "Sorry Erik, you're not on the list of guys that I want to see me naked."

That means that I'm more than just a friend, I'm "The Friend". "The Friend" is the guy that girls feel so comfortable with that they can talk to about anything. They know that they can go out with us, get drunk, and we'll make sure they get home unmolested. They can get an honest male perspective without bugging the neanderthals that they usually date. Worse yet, they like to say how they wish their boyfriend would be more like us. Basically, we are the ideal man, just not attractive enough to fuck.

Fuck.

I have until Wednesday to get it off my mind, tho. That's when I'll be back at my bar, so hopefully I can get that chip on my shoulder before arriving. I have a fairly busy week this week. Tomorrow, I'm doing a full cleaning of my house. Tuesday, I'll be meeting a group of people at a different bar. Wednesday is the usual gathering at my bar. Thursday is a night of goofing off with the boys. Friday is the Brewer game. We'll be tailgating it, so hopefully the weather will cooperate.

It feels way too early to be April. I've now been off work for 2 months, and I still don't feel like searching for a job seriously yet. I have the money to keep relaxing, and that's what I've been doing. To be honest, about the only thing that's interesting me lately is the hopes of getting laid. I need a few friends with benefits, a home of my own, and a winning lotery ticket.

I think my best chance of getting one of those three is the lottery ticket with how my luck has been going.