In the zone?

Well, today I spent the morning thinking and the afternoon hanging with friends. Had a bunch of friends just leave a little while ago, in fact. I also went to the gun range with one of them earlier. I'm a fairly good shot, but I seem to group my shots low and to the left, and I haven't figured out what I'm doing wrong yet. I bet I'm tensing up or something right before I fire, but I don't notice what I do as I do it. Might need some help to fix it.

I had an interesting night yesterday evening. Talked to the cute bartender as my evening went on and the other customers at the bar slowly left. Two of her friends came in and eyed me a little suspiciously. The cute bartender said to one, "This is Erik. Don't worry about him, he's like a girlfriend to me." I had two distinct reactions here.

1. Ok, she's trying to make her friends comfortable around me so we can all talk.

2. Oh shit, I'm in the friend zone where there is almost no return from. Only one huge sucking sound.

I laughed it off and talked to them all. It's never totally a bad thing being the only guy around 3 girls. After a while of bantering, they left and the bartender and I continued talking again. I asked a while later about the girlfriend comment, and she said "I talk to you about stuff that I don't talk to any other guy with. Take it as a compliment."

Being horribly bad at judging other people, I thanked her and left it at that. I'm still quite curious where that puts me, tho. I'm hoping to get her out where we can bullshit and have some drinks together eventually but with her working, in college, and going home to visit her family most weekends, time is at a premium. So until then, what do you think?

Road to Recovery, and the Amazing Racist

I haven't been good for anything the past few days. I'm feeling very sluggish and sore thanks to a nasty fever, and I'm not looking forward to my next trip to the gym since I haven't been there in almost a week. I'm glad to be able to do things that didn't involve me and a couch, tho. I was playing on the Playstation while I was couch-ridden, but my attention span was as long as a housefly's. My sleep cycle is all messed up, too. I wasn't tired last night until 4:30AM and I know it's going to be a pain to get back to sleeping my normal hours. I was well enough to wash my blankets today and hang them outside to dry. My bedroom smells so nice now. Hopefully I will sleep very well tonight.

Here in Milwaukee, there's been a story that's all over the news. Two kids disappeared last Sunday, and nothing has been heard of since. I feel bad that they are gone, and worse for knowing that since they've been gone for over a week now, there is little hope that they're still alive. I don't know of anyone has heard of this story outside of Milwaukee because the kids (Purvis and Quadravion) are black. The family seems to be total hood rats, which makes me think that the national news programs are probably ignoring this story.

One of the byproducts of this story (which is on ALL the time since it broke) is that the black community's rabble rousers are out in full force. Alderman McGee has topped the stupidity scale over all the others, tho. He went on camera suggesting that they should create a law that adds 10 years on to the sentence of anyone who is convicted of killing someone who is black. First of all, what happened to all men are created equal? Second, are you that fucking STUPID? I can understand adding years to a sentence for a hate crime, but this is complete bullshit. I know that his suggestion will be laughed at if he ever proposes it. What scares me is that I'm sure a fair amount of people in his district will agree with him and will say that the Man is keeping them down by not passing this legislation. Those poor racist bastards...

I'm hoping to make it to the bar tomorrow. I really need a beer. And a lovely gal on my lap. At least I can count on the beer...

Out of Commission

Sorry about there not being any posts, but I've been sick to the point of not being functional. I can't think straight right now. I must have that bug that's going around. I fucking hate being sick.

Where's a nurse when you need one?

Whining and bitching

I was thinking of posting something more meaningful, but it hardly seems worth it when I get no comments. I suppose I'm a bit of a post or attention whore, but one reason I do this is to connect with people.

I had an interesting night with the cute bartender and an almost equally attractive friend. The cute one just dyed her hair and is much more smart than the other, but both look delicious. Now someone just needs to talk to them to consider a threesome.

*big sigh*

Well, you wonder why I always dress in black?

I dunno what it is. I just don't fit in. I'm too smart, too sexual, too willing to feel all that life throws at me, too quiet, too nice, too ugly, too understanding.

I'm just too Erik.

I sat at a table today drinking beer with people who were talking to each other like great friends. And then there was me. When I spoke, I might as well be Quasimodo interrupting their discussion. They were just waiting for their turn to talk and ignoring me. Sometimes they didn't bother waiting and just talked over me. I don't know if anyone else feels like this sometimes or most times like I do. I don't like feeling alone in a crowd. I don't like feeling alone period, but that's not my choice to make.

I wish I could belong sometimes, but that doesn't seem to be the way I'm built. I am a bit jealous of those who can fit in anywhere. I'll just have to deal with being alone...

'Til things are brighter, I'm the man in black.

St. Patty's Fallout

And for once, I'm not involved in the drama.

First of all, Wisconsin got their asses handed to them by Arizona. Then the Panthers got their asses handed to them by Florida. No Wisconsin teams left at the big dance, so I have nobody to cheer for anymore. Only amusing thing was Bradley taking on Pitt State yesterday. The whole game the scoreboard read

Brad ##
Pitt ##

I thought it was amusing. I'm a weird guy tho, right?

Now on to the first bit of drama from St. Patty's. My sister T-boned a car on her way to the bar. I'm very happy to say that she doesn't seem to be hurt (although her back is very sore). The lady who she hit was supposedly not drunk, but the officers on the scene said that the collision was not my sister's fault. Good thing, too, since my sister didn't renew her insurance. She's lucky that she has a nice brother that's willing to drive her to work at ungodly early morning hours, too. I should get a medal. At least I get free Starbucks coffee to help wake my ass up. Although I agree with this guy (NSFW: language) about the sizes there.

Speaking of that, I'll be getting a medal for my actions in another bit o' drama from St. Patty's. One of my friends at the bar made the mistake of playing dice when he got in. So not only is he putting away 7 and 7's like he normally does, but he added at least 7 shots of Jameson on top of it. The guy was so bombed he couldn't even stand. I had to help him to the men's room and point him in the right direction otherwise he would've pissed on the wall. Another regular at the bar told me over and over that I was a good friend and that she was going to make me a medal. *laughs* I think she though I was unzipping and aiming for the guy or something. Oh well. It's going to be fun to laugh at that drunk bastard on Wednesday.

Other drama: One of the cops who hang at the bar had a bit of a surprise. His wife showed up as he was chatting occaisionally with his girlfriend while working his way into the pants of another. She was oblivious. I was amazed. I just can't see juggling and lying to women like that. I like my life simple. I also would like to be fucking three lovely women like this guy is, but who am I kidding? I don't hold back on the truth and I seem to have lost the touch I once had. Once had, you ask?

Flash back here to 5 years ago. I was going to school full time, working full time and helping out at another job every weekend for 8-12 hours a day. Somehow in the midst of all this I found time for 4 girls. The amazing thing is that I never lied or held anything back on any of them. Two were friends with benefits, one was a gal who I was head over heels with but knew it wouldn't work out with, and the other was taking lessons from me on sex and how to enjoy it. How I managed all of that, I still do not know.

Sorry about that... had to brag a little. For some reason my sex life goes from feast to famine. No clue why or how that works, tho. I guess I'm not one to do things only halfway. *shrugs*

Final bit of drama. Two black guys wearing sunglasses and hoods came walking in during the day. They looked around quick, walked through the bar to the back door, and kept on going. You could tell they were thinking of robbing the place. The funny thing would have been if they tried. There was 2 county officers, 7 city officers, and the owner of the bar ready to throw down at that moment if any trouble happened. Maybe that's what they saw when they cased the place. I wish there had been a camera pointing their way, tho. The look on their faces were priceless.

Hope y'all had a good one as well. Toss some comments out there and let me know whatcha think.

Kiss me, I'm Irish!

After doing some serious drinking on Tuesday and Wednesday, I took today off to watch UW-Milwaukee beat Oklahoma. I almost started drinking during the Marquette game because they were playing so poorly. I held back because after 2 nights of heavy drinking, I was going to need some rest and rehydration.

St. Patrick's day is tomorrow and I am going to be so trashed. I'm going to work out, take my car home, and take a cab to the bar. I'll either catch a ride with someone I know or get a cab back home later.

I want to get to the bar so I can get my corned beef sandwiches ordered and a pint of Guinness put in front of me before the Wisconsin game tomorrow. I haven't decided if I'm going to get there at 11AM and stay until bar close, or something else. 15+ hours of drinking might be a little too much to handle, tho. Depends on how much fun I'm having. Or how many lovely Irish gals would like to sit on my barstool. ;) Taking volunteers here...

Take care everyone. Have a great St. Patty's and stay safe and off the roads if you can.

Additions

First of all, Yes I've sought help in the past. No, it's not helped me one bit other than made me broke. Not trying to be condescending or rude, I'm just saving time explaining after the other day.

Second, the attractive (at least to all the girls at the bar) guy who the group met tonight sent me a message that would've made most gals cry. Here it is. "Between just u and me, will u be my first bi experience?" Sorry man, not bi. Not gay. I've been talking about tits all evening and you think I'm bi? What. The. Fuck?

I get more messages from guys who want to see my cock than gals. Fucking sad to say, too. I do not understand it.

I just do not get people. I don't get pussy either. *laughs*

A sad state of affairs, I tell ya...

I felt like destroying something beautiful

I royally fucked up. Again.

I haven't been quite sharing everything going on. Some was because I wanted to hold on to in case something became of it. Others were because of embarassment. This is one of those stories.

I went off the handle. I got drunk and let my emotions come out to play which I try to never let happen. I vented to people who had never seen the angry side of me (damn Irish temper) which doesn't come out often because I know how bad it is. When the angry side came out, it cracked the levee and everything else came spilling out, too. All of the jealousy, all of the depression, all of the desperation in me.

To top it off, I left to go home and continue to vent through IM's and such. Then the rage flared out, taking everything but the hurt and sadness with it. Between IM's I hunted through my house for my pistols and ammunition. I tossed my phone aside giving up on people who didn't want to bother to respond (and who can blame them?) My momentum was sending me over the cliff, and then I stopped. I spent the next hour or two alternately crying and toggling the safety on my pistol. I finally crawled into bed and went to sleep.

The next morning it hit me. I am a complete dumbass. I scared the shit out of the few people who seem to care about me. I was so ashamed. I really can't apologize enough for how I acted. My self destructive side was out of the bottle, and I'm still desperately trying to put it back. I am still hurting and venting, and I'll probably lose a friend or two even if I'm lucky. I'm probably doing a damn good job of alienating and scaring you guys, too.

After the explosion an happens, there is a rush of air in the opposite direction as it gets pulled back into place. I'm feeling that emotional void, and I desperately want to fill it with something. I'd like nothing better to curl up in a ball and just have someone who cares there to hold me and tell me it's all better going to be better. I think the blast guaranteed that there's nobody left to do it, tho.

It would save me the pain and embarassment to just finish what I keep starting and dive into that blackness in my soul. I can't, tho. I made a promise, and even as sad, lonely, hurting, and miserable as I felt at that moment, I still had to keep the promise. No matter how drunk I got, how angry I was, and how much more I fucked up my life, I still had to keep my promise. I might've promised myself a bit too much.

Me and my damn sense of honor.

Points for knowing the quote.

Love, the kind you clean up with a mop and bucket

I have a bit of a conundrum right now that's bugging the hell outta me. I've got the opportunity to join in a threesome with a couple of cool people. The problem is, the gal just doesn't seem that into it. Or maybe she's just not into me that way. It wouldn't piss me off if she said, "It was his idea and I'm not interested in being anything but a friend w/o benefits with ya." Either way, there's a distinct lack of enthusiasm there.

I'm one of those silly guys that can't fuck a gal that isn't into it. If she lies there like a dead fish, not interested. If she has to be talked into screwing me, not interested. If she demands that I give her (object) before she'll do anything, Not Interested. I'm funny that way. Yet another reason I don't get laid as much as I'd like.

The other thing that bugs me (since my brain never shuts up like it should), is that if she's not into it and the guy isn't into men (he's not, as far as I know), then why was I asked to join in? My ego is damaged enough from the normal wear and tear in my life, but the thought of pity sex takes things to a whole different level. I don't think I could handle accepting pity. Maybe I have a little self esteem left that says, "You're too good to sell yourself short." Maybe I'm just stubborn. I could be a complete fool, too.

I think too much. What do you think about all of this?

On Hold

I feel like all I'm doing is waiting for other people lately. I want a good job, a good life, and great sex but after doing what I can about it, I can only wait. Normally I'm a pretty patient guy. Don't get me wrong, I don't like to wait but it doesn't bother me usually. Except now I'm waiting for everything.

I handed (and am still handing) out my resume. I gave it to a headhunter to see what they could find. I still have not heard back from anyone about a job. Makes me wonder if the market's that bad right now, or if it's me.

Love's always a waiting game. You put yourself out where you can be seen, but there's nothing else you can do about it. If it happens, it usually smacks you upside the head to let you know. Other times it can be like fishing where you wait for that nibble and pull in your line. But you gotta wait for the nibble. ;)

Sex should be easier to find, but I refuse to lie to get it. I won't pretend to be in a relationship just to get some. I don't offer anything but the total truth, which isn't easy for a lot of people to accept. Here in the Midwest it seems that if a gal enjoys sex, she has to keep it hidden from the world. Or at least that's how they're raised. A lot of people never get past that. I'm glad I did. The only problem is to get gals to be that earthy, you seem to have to look like Pitt/Clooney/etc. or have a silver tongue. Well, I have a silver tongue, but not when I'm talking. *laughs* I'm not known for my charm or tact. I'm known for being a nice guy, honest, funny, smart, and all that, but those traits to leap out at most gals until after they think of me as sex worthy or not. I lose at first glance all too often.

I keep trying, tho.

Domestic goodness

I get the joy of having a tooth removed on Monday. The offending tooth is a baby tooth than got a cavity in it and isn't worth saving. Baby teeth are not made to last almost 30 years, but this one did. The thing that bugs me is that they're going to have to put in a bridge. Expensive as hell and I have no insurance. So I'm going toothless for a while. Better that than to have a tooth slowly rot out and fall to pieces in my mouth. The tooth that should be there fused itself to my skull and isn't coming down. Darn teeth.

My house smells like cookies right now. Delicious chocolate chip cookies. I made them yesterday, and I woke up with a big ol' smile on my face this morning. To me, when anything good is cooking, that's the smell of home. I think I'm going to keep the streak going by making something italian later on like lasagne or a batch of homemade sauce and spaghetti. *chuckles* My love of food is the reason why I have to go to the gym. I'd rather eat and drink what I want, than be on a diet that makes eating boring. I needed to get more muscle on me anyhow.

My time without a roommate is coming to a close, unfortunately. Way too fast for me. I didn't even get laid on ever pieces of furniture in the house yet. Oh well. I am going to start a top to bottom cleaning today, tho. I want the place sparkling above and beyond the usual level when she gets back. I'm not sure why it's important to me to get the house clean, either. It's not like I have to impress my roommate or anything. *shrugs*

Bitches love me cuz they know that I can fuck

I don't know why this is, but women see me as they guy that can make them cum or that they can talk to, but not the guy they want to date. I can't explain it. I have two gals who are seriously considering fucking the shit outta me, and one who's thinking about it. The rest don't want to touch me with a ten foot pole.

I don't mind being friends. I don't mind being fuck buddies. Why am I not loved, tho?

I suppose I should shut up. Some guys don't even get considered in the whole getting fucked process. Hell, there are even a few gals from AFF who are thinking about screwing me, but I'm not counting them in my count yet. The thing is, I want to be fucked regularly. However, I want to be loved too. Not even loved in the romantic way. I want someone that wants to curl up with me and hold me. I miss feeling like I'm a special person from a woman. I want them to lay their head on my chest as we lay in bed together. I want to feel close to someone and safe.

Does this make sense to anyone?

Points for anyone who identifies the song lyric in the title.