Mr. Brown Shoes

I'm jealous. My sister is in Ireland right now having a wonderful time. She's there for another week before she has to come back. I still have not made it off the North American continent yet. Grumbles.

I want to see the world, but I want to get myself set up first. A good job, nice house, and all that. I got a late start in trying to reach those goals. I screwed up my first time in college, and then drifted around the country. The whole time I worked dead-end jobs. I could've accepted that and ended up in charge of any of them, but I was desperately unhappy with mind-numbing tasks. Maybe that's why my job search is so depressing. I have the knowledge and ability to do so much, but no degree or official expertise to back it up. More grumbles. Oh well...

The only good thing is that I have the house to myself. I missed being able to wake up, wrap up in a blanket, and lounge around the house wearing nothing else. I've been going to the gym and occaisionally to hang out with friends. Sometimes at a bar, sometimes not. Other than that, I've been distracting myself with books and games. I've even been avoiding blogging because when I blog, I put down what I'm thinking, which makes me about it more. I really don't want to be analyzing myself right now since I'm not happy with what I see.

An old Tonight Show guest put it best, I think. "Have you ever felt the world was a tuxedo, and you were a pair of brown shoes?" That's me. Mr. Brown Shoes. I can't find my niche to save my life. That's certainly an apt phrase, too.

Anyway, off to distract myself before I start feeling too down again...

Stranger than fiction

I didn't get one digit. I got all of the cute bartender's digits the other night. I'm still a little in shock and wondering if I got the number because I'm just a friend or something else is going on. Either way, it could be fun. I'm going in with no expectations so either way, I'll be in a good mood. The least I can do here is to end up with a friend, and that's not a bad thing at all. I'll give her a call this weekend.

I've been trying to work on feeling better. I've been making it to the gym, going out to meet people, and doing little things to put me in a better mood. I'll be making chocolate chip cookies later as a little reward to myself for doing something rather than sitting on my ass and whining about things. I'm such a sucker for treats sometimes. Actually, I'm such a sucker for a lot of things, but go figure?

I haven't spent as much time as I should've looking for a job, but I have a fairly big cushion. I'm glad I have the time right now to relax. So what if I'm not employed for the moment since it's making me a happier person. I'm sure my dad would freak if he heard this, since he's a nose to the grindstone kind of person. I'm not a workaholic like he is, I just sometimes seem like one when things need to get done. No wonder my dad and I agree to disagree on many things.

Ran out of steam here, so I'm off to the gym. Talk to ya soon...

Guilty of being white

While I was working out this morning, I was listening in an a couple over conversations that left me sick to my stomach. The conversations weren't disgusting, but they were appaling to me. Both were inspired by one of the news programs about Black History Month.

First conversation: Two older black men were talking about MLK and the things he tried to do. I almost tuned out the conversation until they started talking how white people conspire to keep the black man down and are all such fuckers for doing it. What the fuck? I must've missed the day when they were supposed to give me my Keep the Black Man Down membership card.

Second conversation: Two black gals were talking about how the white man invented slavery and was going to burn in hell for it. You fool, get your fucking facts straight. Slavery has been around for most of recorded history. Read the bible that you're thumping there, dammit.

I'm angry because of the stupidity and ignorance I was listening to. I would've said something, but it occured to me that none of them would've understood the double standard they were protraying there. Most of them probably were thinking something like "Everybody's a racist, except for me because I'm black."

I could rant quite a while on this but instead, I'm going to put the lyrics to the song in the title instead of letting you look it up. It's an old punk song that most people haven't heard of.

I'm sorry
For something I didn't do
Lynched somebody,
But I didn't know who.
You blame me
For slavery
A hundred years before I was born.

Guilty of being white [4x]

I'm convicted
Of a racist crime.
I've only served
19 years of my life.

[repeat intro]

Guilty of being white [3x]
Guilty of being right

Hey fuck-ass, get me a beer!

Holy crap, I can't believe it. I went out expecting to have a crappy evening at the bar and that nobody would show again, and I was wonderfully wrong. Three lovely gals to brighten my spirits. I even got to see some delicious looking breasts and nipple rings as well. Not as up close and personal as I might've liked, but great eye candy none the less. Yummy. If only they had been mouth candy. ;)

The great thing is that I saw them all before I got buzzed up, and they looked good before the alcohol hit my brain. I'm probably dreaming that I'll get to play with any of them, but any that do want to play will be peeling themselves from the ceiling after I get through with them. *evil grin* Lots of fun to be had by all.

I've been drinking Guinness all evening, and probably more than I should've. What's a Guinness or 12 when you're having fun, tho? It's all about the fun...

I suppose it shows that I'm a bit on the hammered side, right?

Fuck, now that I'm thinking of it, one lovely gal told me that I should meet her at a local bar, and I've forgotten the name of the place. Crap, Crap, Crap..... oh well, will have to hope I can get it by next tuesday.

Extra bonus points for those of you who can tell me where the title comes from. (great film!)

Today is tomorrow and tomorrow, today while yesterday is weaving in and out

I'm back since I'm tryin not to feel so horrible at the moment. I'm still not a particularly happy person right now. I was almost back on track on Saturday since I was busy getting ready to meet a new gal. I figured that I'd just post when I got back because I was fairly sure nothing was going to happen right away. Boy was I right...

Yep, I got stood up. I felt pretty damn humiliated sitting at the bar nursing a few beers waiting for someone who never bothered to call to cancel or anything. I even waited for an hour and a half since I didn't feel the need to wander out into the sub-zero temperatures we had this weekend. I suppose I was still hoping at the end that she'd wander in and I'd be able to salvage the evening. Pretty dumb of me, eh?

I might have posted this link before, but it's fitting right now. On the inside, I feel like the guy right at the end of the animation. Here's the link: http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/bunny.php

I'm getting back in the habit of working out again, and I'm sore as hell. I barely could climb up the stairs to my apartment after an hour on the eliptical. I'm going to keep going every weekday, tho. I really want to get back in shape, tho. I think I may take a few pictures for some before and after shots. That way I can see how the workouts are shaping me. Maybe I'll share them here.

I'm back to reading blogs again as well, so I'm going to go catch up on all the people that I've been neglecting. See ya soon.

FYI

I'm feeling very down and antisocial right now. Valentine's day sucks. Car salesmen suck. The IRS sucks. My old employer sucks. My friends suck. Women? Well, they aren't sucking, and that sucks.

Life sucks right now. I need a beer.

I might not be posting for a couple days again. I just feel like there's nothing to post about since I'm stuck in negative mode. Bonus points for anyone recognising this appropriate lyric;

I will never be young
I will never be loved
I will never be wrong
So I am royally fucked

Medicated to the one I love

It doesn't feel like Friday night. I have no clue where this week went, either. I slept part of it away, and the rest of the time I was zonked out with this damn fever and all. I probably would've gotten some NyQuil, but that would've required me to walk a mile in freezing temperatures since I don't have a car at the moment.

Speaking of the car, the sales people are getting desperate for a sale. They keep calling my phone offering me slightly better payments. Kinda funny. I have them down for a $270 a month lease... of I wait until Monday, I might get them to $250... probably would accept their offer then. It's for a Toyota Corrolla which isn't anything special, but it would get me around town without having to pay out the ass for gas. Or do any of you know how to go about getting a car in better ways? I'm still wondering if just buying a used car would be better.

I've been quite scatter-brained lately. Everything is almost fuzzy like when I've had a few, but without the fun aspect. I don't have the beer goggles on either. Hell, I can't even enjoy myself. Everytime I start doing anything remotely exciting, I get dizzy. The damn infection is enjoying my sinuses, and I'm decidedly not.

I shouldn't say this, but I'm starting to feel a bit better. Hopefully this eill continue, too. I know this will probably get Murphy's attention and I'll end up at the doctor's office, tho. Oh well. I do have another 5 chances at the lottery for tomorrow. $250 million. I figure with all the bad luck I've been having, I'm due for a shot o' good luck.

I see and hear way too much about Valentine's Day even though I haven't really gone out much. It's kinda sickening to me because when I see all the couples enjoying and looking forward to the day, a part of me says, "Hey, What the fuck is going on here? I deserve that, dammit!" Throw frustration on top of loneliness and it isn't the most pleasant mix out there. I miss feeling the love.

Maybe I'll load up a game this weekend, make up some snacks, grab some beer, and huddle up in a nice warm blanket. Not a very exciting weekend, but I think it's the best I can do with what I got. Wouldn't you agree?

Chicken Soup for the Sick in the Head

A bit of an extended break here, but let me fill you in on what's been going on. I was out on Saturday clearing thick brush to make a path through 55 acres of woods. It was just over freezing, but the woods kept the wind off so I was almost hot while I was carrying trees off the forming path.

I should've been paying more attention to the little cough I had been getting as of thursday. After spending 4 or more hours working in the woods, I grabbed dinner with a few other guys that worked with me. From there it was time to go home, peel off the layers of clothing, and take a hot shower. The shower relaxed me a bit and I started feeling sleepy as hell, so I took a nap.

When I woke up, I felt like absolute shit. The cough was in full force, my head was stuffed up and throbbing, and my whole body ached. Fuckity fuck. I went from sniffles to full blown flu in 4 hours. And it's still working on me. I barely remember watching the superbowl since I was so out of it.

Speaking of the Superbowl, I was surprised that Seattle didn't win. I'm not into analyzing games, but I tend to be good at guessing wins intuitively. I guessed that the Seahawks would win, and during more of the first half it seemed like I was right. Then it went the other way, and that's all she wrote for that one. That's one of the reasons I don't bet on football. heh

Anyway, I gotta lay down. I've been dizzy a lot from this flu so I haven't been doing much that requires me to sit up. I've watched a lot of crappy TV, tho. I'll probably will be watching more tomorrow. Later.

And I think to myself, What a wonderful world

I'm amazed how much I've abused my body in the past few months. Since I've stopped working, I've been sleeping about 10 hours a day and still feel tired. I've been avoiding doing most things on the computer as well. I've started getting my house back into order. I was shocked when I finally went through all the mail I hadn't opened and threw out the crap yesterday.

I was so happy to cook myself a good meal. I made chicken and wild rice casserole which was delicious. I made much more than I really needed to, but it reheats very well and I'll be enjoying the leftovers for a few days. I missed cooking a lot more than I thought. I'm spending the rest of the week and weekend being pretty domestic. I'm not even planning on going anywhere to watch the Superbowl. I figure that with some good home cooked food and a six-pack or two, I'll be set.

The only bad thing right now is that I have no car. I've dealt with three weaselly salemen lately, and I've left the encounters with each feeling like I need to kill them to clense humanity of it's filth. I'm not too big on salesmen, but car sales seems to be slimier than most. Oh well, next week I'll start looking for a car again.

Maybe I'll win the lottery tonight and can stay in low stress mode the rest of my life. Wonderful thought, eh?

Y'all can blame it all on the alcohol

I'm hammered. I'm blitzed out of my gourd and funny as hell. And no one cares.

I've gotten 2 calls in the last week, both from my boss. I went to the bar and only my best friend showed up. The cute bartender did too, but she's paid to be there and to be nice to me. I tip her well for putting up with my bullshit. Nobody else wants to.

I feel depressions sneaking up and bludgeoning me since I have the strong feeling that nobody really cares about me. I have felt no love in my life and since I'm drunk right now, it makes me just want to cry.

Not that anyone really cares. Sorry, just venting here so I don't curl up in a corner and start pointing my Glock at my head. I'm not really dumb enough to do that, but I feel no love at all, and it hurts like hell. Where is the person to accept me for who I am and give a damn? I miss her.

Bonus points for anyone to recognise the band who used the lyric or any of them in the past few weeks.